I occasionally wonder what type of wound infertility is akin to. I like comparisons, so say in bodily injuries people always say the death of someone close is like losing a part of themselves (some say a left hand, their heart, their eyes whatever.) I've had people close to me die so I understand that comparison.
I was thinking earlier maybe infertility is like a bruise. I've found myself semi-cripplingly depressed lately. Crippling enough that I absolutely resent having to do anything that doesn't involve hiding in bed or on the couch all alone, but semi-crippling enough that peer pressure makes me do things, I just resent it.
For example, I tried to get out from under it yesterday and bought stuff to bake. Today, I still have a lot of stuff I planned to bake underway, and I said I'd bake the stupid Martha Stewart uber-pain-in-the-ass cupcakes. Today, I wish I could just throw those stupid gala apples away so I don't have to shred 5 of them and then do all the other unnecessary crap she included in the recipe. I don't even want a stupid cupcake now. I just want water and crackers.
I also got all "I should exercise!" because quite honestly cardio kickboxing sounds awesome. Last night they cancelled it and I found myself in a substitute class called BodyVive! yes, the exclamation mark is part of the name. It was a lot of senseless bouncing to horrible techno club remixes of songs I already don't like. I lasted like 30 minutes, because I didn't want to look like a loser when I scooted between bouncing middle-aged women on my way to get my water bottle. After thirty minutes of the perky lady up front asking if we're ready to set the world on fire while bouncing and giving me a nauseating camp counselor smile I mentally say, "F*ck this," and hit the road.
I'm depressed as shit lately, I just don't want to be, I don't want to do, I don't want to deal, and I sure as hell don't want to bounce around to techno remixes while my yoga pants get twisted and give me a front wedgie. No thank you.
I can't quite figure out which injury you would equate infertility to though. I have this bruise on my head from attacking an open cupboard door with my head, and it hurts. I keep pushing on it because it is a noticeable hurt. I know why it hurts, I know how it happens, and if I said, "My head hurts because I cracked my head on the cupboard door and for some reason I'm an asshole and keep pushing on it," then people would understand the kind of hurt it is. They would sympathize up until I say I keep pushing on it even. They could feel the big welt that is to the 4 o'clock of my messy bun.
So that being said it probably isn't a bruise, I thought maybe a bruise on your head if you have hair, because it hurts like hell, but other's can feel it. Even if they can't feel the pain they can feel your lumpy scalp. It isn't a knee bruise, because that leaves a visible mark.
I thought for a minute maybe it was like those phantom pains people with an amputated limb have where their non existant hand hurts and cramps. It isn't that though either, because everyone can see where the limb was and everyone is sad the limb isn't there and they sort of look at you and wonder if you are a veteran or if maybe you got in some gnarly accident that you have a traumatic and crazy story about.
I really can't find the parallel to infertility. There is nothing like it that I've experienced up to this point. I had a crap childhood, I've buried friends, I've had my dog die, my cat die, I've dislocated and broken things, I've been homesick, and had my husband overseas for a year but this is a new hurt.
I don't like new things, really, I really really don't like change or new things. That is probably why this will continue to be a sad blog for a while, not because I think making other people sad is fun, but since this is a new thing I don't know how to verbally explain it to other people. The best I can do is be semi-raw here (like when you defrost a roast but the middle is still frozen, heyyyyy-oooo told you I like comparisons) because if I don't have the words or the comfort level, and I really don't feel like I have the right either, to explain how crappy I feel to my friends and family when they ask.
A lot of my friends are eating a shit sandwich in life right now, one just broke off her engagement, another has a crazy mother that makes her life hell, and I try my hardest to listen and be nice and be there. I just wish I had the ability to explain that I'm really really really sad and torn up too and spend a while talking about why this sucks and actually get them to understand. Of course I have people (actually person) in my life who are going through infertility too, and she's a fucking god-send. It just sucks to have to see all these people you're super close to day in and day out and not be able to yell for a life-saver.
So that being said, I will survive. I'm going to go bake the stupid whole-wheat bread bowls I said I'd make yesterday. They'll be stupid and I'll resent them but I'll make the stupid bread bowls.
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Celebrating Pregnancy Giveaway Event! Over $200 Dollars in Prizes!
Welcome to the Celebrating Pregnancy Giveaway event, hosted by Green Mam-a Jam-a!
Jessi, from Green Mam-a Jam-a is celebrating her 4th pregnancy...her 4th BABY GIRL! We have joined her in this celebration to bring you this amazing giveaway...over $200 in pregnancy products.
Below are the prizes that will ALL go to one lucky winner!
SweetPea Maternity $25 Giftcode! ($25 RV)
1 package of Drops and a box of Preggie Pops from Three Lollies! ($10 RV)
Novena Organic Beauty Belly Cream and Organic Fruit Face Wash! ($54 RV)
ENJOY A 10% DISCOUNT WHEN SHOPPING AT NOVENA! USE DISCOUNT CODE: GMJNOV
The beautiful dress pictured above (Uma in Orchid) from Everly Grey Maternity! ($69 RV)
There will be FIVE winners, who will receive their choice of shoes from New Life Shoes! (RV $65/each)
To enter, use the rafflecopter form below!
Giveaway is opened to US only.
ONE winner will win ALL prizes and four additional winners will receive a pair of New Life Shoes!
Disclaimer: Green Mam-a Jam-a and all participating bloggers are not responsible for prize fulfillment. Sponsors are required to ship the prizes within a timely manner.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Empty Womb Pre-Planning
Good old aunt flo, she showed up two days late this month. Anytime that happens it makes me get hopeful, even when every used pee-stick turns up a big negative. I don't get my hopes up quite like I used to, but hoping I'm pregnant for a couple days gives me a break from inevitable let down when aunt flo pops up.
Since I'm an empty-womber yet another month (this will be our tenth month of trying, it startles me how close to that year mark we are getting) I've been doing my empty-womb planning. Car seats have always been on my mind, if my child could just never ride in a car I'd probably be a happier person.
I'm terrified of cars, I don't like being in cars, I don't like my husband being in cars, I don't like my friends or family being in cars. Of course since we live in a rural state we're all in cars all the time. Moving 5 hours from my family across state hasn't helped. While now we mostly drive through our city to college and work, we still have those long 5 hours drives across the interstate, highways, and dirt roads to visit home.
The fact that the U.S. doesn't make companies release the safety standards for car seats makes me sad. I wish I could know that the seat is the absolute safest means of travel for baby x. I know they all have to pass safety tests, but I want to know whether they just passed or they aced the test with flying colors and put everything else to shame.
I've been looking at the Chicco Keyfit car seats, and various Maxi-Cosi lines. I just read a smashing review here at Babble, one of my very favorite sites. It sounds amazing, so I'm researching them. The car seat is definitely one item I plan to splurge on, not for pretty floral patterns, but for safety.
Since I'm an empty-womber yet another month (this will be our tenth month of trying, it startles me how close to that year mark we are getting) I've been doing my empty-womb planning. Car seats have always been on my mind, if my child could just never ride in a car I'd probably be a happier person.
I'm terrified of cars, I don't like being in cars, I don't like my husband being in cars, I don't like my friends or family being in cars. Of course since we live in a rural state we're all in cars all the time. Moving 5 hours from my family across state hasn't helped. While now we mostly drive through our city to college and work, we still have those long 5 hours drives across the interstate, highways, and dirt roads to visit home.
The fact that the U.S. doesn't make companies release the safety standards for car seats makes me sad. I wish I could know that the seat is the absolute safest means of travel for baby x. I know they all have to pass safety tests, but I want to know whether they just passed or they aced the test with flying colors and put everything else to shame.
I've been looking at the Chicco Keyfit car seats, and various Maxi-Cosi lines. I just read a smashing review here at Babble, one of my very favorite sites. It sounds amazing, so I'm researching them. The car seat is definitely one item I plan to splurge on, not for pretty floral patterns, but for safety.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Maybe Baby Girl Edition
Daughters. Daughters scare me. I have two step daughters actually and I love them to death, and having two beautiful step daughters has made me realize how truly frightening the thought of having one of my very own to shape and mold is.
Boys scare me, but because they might break all my things, and later in school might get into the thug culture and stop trying in school, but that is a worry for later in their lives. Girls it seems you can accidentally push in the wrong direction right from the get go.
I've read all about the mommy wars, the princess debates, the studies about the over sexualization of young girls just by leaving your gossip mags laying around, or daddy's Maxim sitting by the toilet. It makes me paranoid, like I need to ban all pop culture from our house. I know that won't work, I was home-schooled for three years and it just makes the forbidden fruit that much sweeter when you're out from under your parents' thumbs.
Thinking about the fact I have to let them know that all this awful stuff exists while still teaching them to have self worth makes me terrified. What if I allow for too much princess paraphernalia and my daughter winds up wearing hot pink bedazzled crop tops the second she leaves the door? I think this additional over thinking time before I even get pregnant has allowed me to read too much into it without actually letting me get my hands dirty.
I want my daughter(s) to half self worth, self respect, a voice, educated opinions, a globalized view, enough modesty to comfort her father, and a strong healthy body image. I mean really how do you tell a 13 year old girl that she is beautiful and all the changes puberty are burdening her with are normal and great, while still convincing her to keep her belly button to herself?
I hope above all of course that she is happy. I hope she knows not the let some jerk objectify her or treat her less than best. I want her to know she's not a princess, but an intelligent human being with importance.
i suppose I will figure this out, when the time comes. The time better come soon, any more time to dwell on all the ways I could accidentally mess Baby X and Baby Y and I might just go crazy.
So to all you moms out there raising smart, unique, independent kids you rock. You are awesome, you are brave, you have navigated uncharted territory and won.
Of course, to all you to-be-moms who are already well on your way through planning and worrying, you are brave too, it takes a lot to educate yourself on the terrors of raising children when you're not yet experiencing the joy of holding them and still walk down that path.
Boys scare me, but because they might break all my things, and later in school might get into the thug culture and stop trying in school, but that is a worry for later in their lives. Girls it seems you can accidentally push in the wrong direction right from the get go.
I've read all about the mommy wars, the princess debates, the studies about the over sexualization of young girls just by leaving your gossip mags laying around, or daddy's Maxim sitting by the toilet. It makes me paranoid, like I need to ban all pop culture from our house. I know that won't work, I was home-schooled for three years and it just makes the forbidden fruit that much sweeter when you're out from under your parents' thumbs.
Thinking about the fact I have to let them know that all this awful stuff exists while still teaching them to have self worth makes me terrified. What if I allow for too much princess paraphernalia and my daughter winds up wearing hot pink bedazzled crop tops the second she leaves the door? I think this additional over thinking time before I even get pregnant has allowed me to read too much into it without actually letting me get my hands dirty.
I want my daughter(s) to half self worth, self respect, a voice, educated opinions, a globalized view, enough modesty to comfort her father, and a strong healthy body image. I mean really how do you tell a 13 year old girl that she is beautiful and all the changes puberty are burdening her with are normal and great, while still convincing her to keep her belly button to herself?
I hope above all of course that she is happy. I hope she knows not the let some jerk objectify her or treat her less than best. I want her to know she's not a princess, but an intelligent human being with importance.
i suppose I will figure this out, when the time comes. The time better come soon, any more time to dwell on all the ways I could accidentally mess Baby X and Baby Y and I might just go crazy.
So to all you moms out there raising smart, unique, independent kids you rock. You are awesome, you are brave, you have navigated uncharted territory and won.
Of course, to all you to-be-moms who are already well on your way through planning and worrying, you are brave too, it takes a lot to educate yourself on the terrors of raising children when you're not yet experiencing the joy of holding them and still walk down that path.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Let's Dive Right In With Where I'm At
My husband and I are on our eighth month of TTC. I'm currently in my dreaded two week wait. I'm ranging between super hopeful, because we bought OPK's and Pre-Seed this month, but I'm also nervous because the OPK's showed I ovulate later than my guesstimated date.
I've survived what I consider a long eight months by reading several blogs, mommy blogs, pregnancy blogs, infertility blogs, review blogs, you-name-it-I've-read-it-if-it-relates-to-children blogs. I love preparing, I love planning, I love learning and researching so blogs have been my way to prepare myself during this waiting time.
I love reading review blogs, I want to nest and buy all my baby necessities and wants so bad so I can read review blogs and make mental notes on what brands have what benefits. I'd love to someday do my own review blogs, even if I have to borrow a baby or swaddle my cat, because I want so badly to try all this stuff out and have an idea before Baby X gets here.
That is something else, I'm a science major, so my two yet to be conceived children are Baby X and Baby Y, Baby X being the one we're currently working on. You'll notice I said science major, not english major, so we'll just have to endure my grammatical errors along the way when they happen.
I don't want this to get so long, but I look forward to having readers, maybe guest bloggers, reviews, and connecting with people who are in my same situation, or mothers who have advice. I look forward to letting you all in on the tears and laughter along this weird winding path I've found myself on, and hopefully announcing a bun in the oven on here.
I promise I'll even figure out how to properly format this blog, eventually.
I've survived what I consider a long eight months by reading several blogs, mommy blogs, pregnancy blogs, infertility blogs, review blogs, you-name-it-I've-read-it-if-it-relates-to-children blogs. I love preparing, I love planning, I love learning and researching so blogs have been my way to prepare myself during this waiting time.
I love reading review blogs, I want to nest and buy all my baby necessities and wants so bad so I can read review blogs and make mental notes on what brands have what benefits. I'd love to someday do my own review blogs, even if I have to borrow a baby or swaddle my cat, because I want so badly to try all this stuff out and have an idea before Baby X gets here.
That is something else, I'm a science major, so my two yet to be conceived children are Baby X and Baby Y, Baby X being the one we're currently working on. You'll notice I said science major, not english major, so we'll just have to endure my grammatical errors along the way when they happen.
I don't want this to get so long, but I look forward to having readers, maybe guest bloggers, reviews, and connecting with people who are in my same situation, or mothers who have advice. I look forward to letting you all in on the tears and laughter along this weird winding path I've found myself on, and hopefully announcing a bun in the oven on here.
I promise I'll even figure out how to properly format this blog, eventually.
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