Friday, August 17, 2012

Cement and Gaps

Today two things have "struck me" so to speak.  AF is expected 19th, so I started testing already because I'm like a dog lately and peeing on things gives me a false sense of accomplishment.  Those are negative, of course.

My husband, for all his sweetness has sort of put me off as impatient when I spend all my time thinking something is wrong with my lady bits for baby making.  Today he actually told me that if it doesn't happen this month it will "cement it" for him that something is going on and we need to see a doctor. Which at first made me feel better, that he was on board with that if I make a doctor's appointment.  Now it just freaks me out, surely if he thinks something is wrong something must be wrong.  I know that isn't how it works, but that is how my mind works.  I sort of already knew I would be more impatient with this, but once he gets impatient too the "oh no's" start settling in.

Shortly after this revelation I went to see my very best friend.  That best friend you grow up with more like a sister, the best friend you take baths with in your shorts and t-shirt for four hours and discuss world affairs and drink busch light with because you're both too poor for a hot tub or expensive wine.  That friend.  She is living with four other people and while she is hyper responsible with her bills and work and school, she is talking about going to a "dayglow" party for college and her f-buddy.

I sort of felt an empty spot when I tried to talk to her about CM. My best friend does not know about CM and I didn't know about dayglow parties.  Since I've moved an hour or so away from her both of our lives have changed.  I was already married and trying to get pregnant, but the baby race has become more heated since then, and she moved out of her apartment that she shared with one other person into a big shared house with 4 other people.

It makes me sort of sad, I occasionally want to force her to catch up to where I am in life, but her life has not been easy so there is no sense in forcing it.  I love her to death, and I fortunately have an amazing sister-in-law that I can ramble on and on about my ovaries with and laugh and not feeling like a creep for talking about CM, I'm pretty lucky in the sister-in-law department.

I just sort of sat in my car when I left her house and felt this big widening canyon open up between us.  I have no idea, it's been happening for a while but man that hole is big lately.  We still love each other, and talk a lot, mostly about her sorta boyfriends and social life but it was so nice to see her and I wish we could both get somewhere on the same page.  I'm sure we will, eventually.

Thursday, August 16, 2012


I've grown to hate the two week wait.  Things that could be PMS either depress or encourage me during this time.   My mind sort of runs like, "Oh I just compulsively drank the jar of pickle juice, maybe I'm pregnant! Or maybe it is just PMS because this happens once a month and I'm probably just going to get my period anyway because my ovaries are stupid and hate me."

The TWW makes me almost too attune to my body, my husband probably things I'm crazy for googling whether a dry va-jayjay is a sign of pregnancy.  I know, in my head somewhere, that even if I was pregnant I probably wouldn't be having any symptoms, so I usually just get sad and think I'm either crazy and pregnant, or have PMS.

Sadly, I'm sure it'll just wind up being PMS.  Shouldn't you feel pregnant? You always hear these magical stories of "I just knew, I started glowing right there in bed the second it happened and my spiritual animal appeared on the ceiling and confirmed in 9 months we'd have a little girl and her name would be Petunia."   Maybe not that magical, but women seem to know when they're pregnant. I knew I was pregnant the month I had the chemical pregnancy.  My boobs felt like they'd gone rounds with a mammogram machine.

What I'm saying is I don't "know" anything this month, and it is making me angry.   I don't feel particularly pregnant, I don't feel particularly un-pregnant.  I'm hopeful, but not really.  I like to think the 50 bucks we spent on a new set of OPK's and the ultra-lube Pre-Seed will make a difference, but my boobs feel like boobs, and my uterus isn't fluttering or glowing or anything so I'm not bouncing around buying up all the baby things.

The only thing I can really say is, after I buy my college books, I'm taking my leftover money and buying the Skip-Hop Duo diaper bag. I don't care if I don't use it for a while. I want that specific diaper bag, I've read lots of reviews and it always seems to come out on top.  I like the fact it clips onto your stroller, the patterns it comes in, all the pockets, the cellphone pouch.  I just like it.  So I might treat myself to a diaper bag I don't need.

Maybe I'll throw some squeaky mice in it and take my cat out for a stroll.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Maybe Baby Girl Edition

Daughters. Daughters scare me. I have two step daughters actually and I love them to death, and having two beautiful step daughters has made me realize how truly frightening the thought of having one of my very own to shape and mold is.

Boys scare me, but because they might break all my things, and later in school might get into the thug culture and stop trying in school, but that is a worry for later in their lives.  Girls it seems you can accidentally push in the wrong direction right from the get go.

I've read all about the mommy wars, the princess debates, the studies about the over sexualization of young girls just by leaving your gossip mags laying around, or daddy's Maxim sitting by the toilet.  It makes me paranoid, like I need to ban all pop culture from our house.  I know that won't work, I was home-schooled for three years and it just makes the forbidden fruit that much sweeter when you're out from under your parents' thumbs.

Thinking about the fact I have to let them know that all this awful stuff exists while still teaching them to have self worth makes me terrified.  What if I allow for too much princess paraphernalia and my daughter winds up wearing hot pink bedazzled crop tops the second she leaves the door?  I think this additional over thinking time before I even get pregnant has allowed me to read too much into it without actually letting me get my hands dirty.

I want my daughter(s) to half self worth, self respect, a voice, educated opinions, a globalized view, enough modesty to comfort her father, and a strong healthy body image.  I mean really how do you tell a 13 year old girl that she is beautiful and all the changes puberty are burdening her with are normal and great, while still convincing her to keep her belly button to herself?

I hope above all of course that she is happy.  I hope she knows not the let some jerk objectify her or treat her less than best.  I want her to know she's not a princess, but an intelligent human being with importance.

i suppose I will figure this out, when the time comes.  The time better come soon, any more time to dwell on all the ways I could accidentally mess Baby X and Baby Y and I might just go crazy.

So to all you moms out there raising smart, unique, independent kids you rock.  You are awesome, you are brave, you have navigated uncharted territory and won.

Of course, to all you to-be-moms who are already well on your way through planning and worrying, you are brave too, it takes a lot to educate yourself on the terrors of raising children when you're not yet experiencing the joy of holding them and still walk down that path.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Let's Dive Right In With Where I'm At

My husband and I are on our eighth month of TTC.  I'm currently in my dreaded two week wait.  I'm ranging between super hopeful, because we bought OPK's and Pre-Seed this month, but I'm also nervous because the OPK's showed I ovulate later than my guesstimated date.

I've survived what I consider a long eight months by reading several blogs, mommy blogs, pregnancy blogs, infertility blogs, review blogs, you-name-it-I've-read-it-if-it-relates-to-children blogs.  I love preparing, I love planning, I love learning and researching so blogs have been my way to prepare myself during this waiting time.

I love reading review blogs, I want to nest and buy all my baby necessities and wants so bad so I can read review blogs and make mental notes on what brands have what benefits.  I'd love to someday do my own review blogs, even if I have to borrow a baby or swaddle my cat, because I want so badly to try all this stuff out and have an idea before Baby X gets here.

That is something else, I'm a science major, so my two yet to be conceived children are Baby X and Baby Y, Baby X being the one we're currently working on.  You'll notice I said science major, not english major, so we'll just have to endure my grammatical errors along the way when they happen.

I don't want this to get so long, but I look forward to having readers, maybe guest bloggers, reviews, and connecting with people who are in my same situation, or mothers who have advice.  I look forward to letting you all in on the tears and laughter along this weird winding path I've found myself on, and hopefully announcing a bun in the oven on here.

I promise I'll even figure out how to properly format this blog, eventually.