Today two things have "struck me" so to speak. AF is expected 19th, so I started testing already because I'm like a dog lately and peeing on things gives me a false sense of accomplishment. Those are negative, of course.
My husband, for all his sweetness has sort of put me off as impatient when I spend all my time thinking something is wrong with my lady bits for baby making. Today he actually told me that if it doesn't happen this month it will "cement it" for him that something is going on and we need to see a doctor. Which at first made me feel better, that he was on board with that if I make a doctor's appointment. Now it just freaks me out, surely if he thinks something is wrong something must be wrong. I know that isn't how it works, but that is how my mind works. I sort of already knew I would be more impatient with this, but once he gets impatient too the "oh no's" start settling in.
Shortly after this revelation I went to see my very best friend. That best friend you grow up with more like a sister, the best friend you take baths with in your shorts and t-shirt for four hours and discuss world affairs and drink busch light with because you're both too poor for a hot tub or expensive wine. That friend. She is living with four other people and while she is hyper responsible with her bills and work and school, she is talking about going to a "dayglow" party for college and her f-buddy.
I sort of felt an empty spot when I tried to talk to her about CM. My best friend does not know about CM and I didn't know about dayglow parties. Since I've moved an hour or so away from her both of our lives have changed. I was already married and trying to get pregnant, but the baby race has become more heated since then, and she moved out of her apartment that she shared with one other person into a big shared house with 4 other people.
It makes me sort of sad, I occasionally want to force her to catch up to where I am in life, but her life has not been easy so there is no sense in forcing it. I love her to death, and I fortunately have an amazing sister-in-law that I can ramble on and on about my ovaries with and laugh and not feeling like a creep for talking about CM, I'm pretty lucky in the sister-in-law department.
I just sort of sat in my car when I left her house and felt this big widening canyon open up between us. I have no idea, it's been happening for a while but man that hole is big lately. We still love each other, and talk a lot, mostly about her sorta boyfriends and social life but it was so nice to see her and I wish we could both get somewhere on the same page. I'm sure we will, eventually.